Grape Expectations - Sleazy as ABC

Max Crus

November 18th, 2008

If only the government subsidised bottle shops.

And why not? They are an essential service and we would be a poorer nation without them..

They are a convenience that allows working mums and dads to do just that, work, without ignoring their kids as they brew their own grog of an evening.

So here’s the plan: government subsidies for bottlos, called, say, the Wild Care Subsidy. Prices will fall, everyone can afford more, and every bottlo guaranteed an income.

Then Max Crus Industries will take over most of Australia’s bottlos by using the equity - well, debt actually - in my first, and all that government largesse, to prey on others before moving on to the world’s.

It’s amazing how a glossy prospectus and a Ferrari can influence people, just look at Firepower. If a pill offering eternal youth can do it, how easy would it be with bottlos? 

Then I can use all that equity - okay, okay, debt - and that government cash, to draw real dosh from the coffers to fund the lifestyle I am surely entitled to as an entrepreneur, and increasingly accustomed to, the balance irretrievably squirreled away into houses and Swiss bank accounts, all in Ms L’s name in case it goes bust.

“Speaking of which, Ms L., who’s this one way ticket to Buenos Aires for?”

Ooh, maybe it’s not such a good idea.

Oh well, we can’t have bottle shops closing, the government must act.

Surely they won’t ask where all there Wild Care Subsidy money went, but if they do, look, they can speak to the accountants, don’t they know the whole world’s in financial trouble.

“Hey, Ms L., the motoring industry is getting a bit lately, have we got enough debt to buy General Motors?”

“Pass the Bollinger thanks Love.” 

Meanwhile here’s what fast Eddy will be drinking in receivership :

Howard Park Abercrombie Cabernet Sauvignon 2005, $95.
You must be sure of your investment when you are paying this much, and this is far better value than most listed companies. 9/10.

d’Arenberg The Dead Arm Shiraz, 2006, $65.
You know how you wake up at night after sleeping on your arm and it’s all dead? Nothing to do with the Big little d’s flagship. Chunky, funky shiraz that needs more sleep. 8.8/10.

St Agnes XO Brandy, $95.
While not a big brandy drinker, I am happy to declare I’m a ‘big-brandy’ drinker and this is about as big as they get locally. Hot but smooth and eminently drinkable in that weird way that big brandies are. 9/10.
Houghton Jack Mann Cabernet Sauvignon 2002, $105.
Comes in a funky cloth bag lest there be any doubt in the minds of anyone watching that this is really posh stuff. Nice bag, nice wine. 9/10.

Tintilla Estate Patriarch Syrah 2005, $60.
Bugger. A wine is easily the best of the occasion, but it costs $60 a bottle. You might get it cheaper by the dozen. 9.3/10.

The Story Westgate Vineyard Grampians 2006 Shiraz, $50ish.
“Well, I’ve ripped and dug out burrows in sandy Buloke hill...”, dry and dusty and altogether more poetic than a Mallee boy. 8.8/10.

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